If you look around out there, you’ll see ton of articles about oral sex. Glaring headlines like "10 Ways to Make Her Cum” and “Top 10 Tricks You Can Use in the Bedroom” seem to saturate every corner of the Internet. The problem is that everyone is so preoccupied with being on the giving side of oral sex that they forget that it’s a two-part effort. Assuming you’re in the bedroom with someone else, if the person on the receiving end isn’t in the receiving mindset, all of your efforts will be futile. Many people approach oral sex like it’s a race or a competition; they head into the bedroom with what I call the Viking attitude. And that can make it very difficult to relax, receive and really enjoy oral pleasure.
The problem happens on both sides. If you're planning to give oral sex, you might be thinking, “Yeah, I’m going to MAKE you come,” rather than simply living in the moment and having fun. It’s not that you shouldn’t strive to please your partner or have confidence in your performance. It’s just that sex, oral or otherwise, is so much more than reaching orgasm. It should be approached with greater mindfulness on both sides. This article will address the woman on the bottom, the one who is typically expected to just lay back and "take it." Instead, I'll offer a few tips on how women can better communicate their need - and take back bodily autonomy.
But, before I dive into this topic, I want to give a quick disclaimer. As stated earlier, this article is about women on the receiving end of oral sex. This isn’t meant to be exclusionary. As a lesbian who’s never been with a man, I wanted to write what I know. I’m sure most of what I’m writing below will apply to men. If it does, that’s amazing. I’m only here to assist lovers in enjoying themselves. So, let's get started. (Oh, and if you're looking for some tips on how to give better oral, read 8 Steps to Giving a Woman Amazing Oral Sex.)
I know this may seem self-explanatory, but you’ll be surprised by how many people rush when it comes to setting up for sex. Take the initiative and put a pillow under yourself. Get any lube or anything else you feel like you’ll need. Adjust the lighting. Most importantly, communicate. I can’t stress that enough. It’s estimated that 80 percent of women fake orgasms from time to time, usually to spare their partners feelings. If you do fake an orgasm, you’re just as responsible as your significant other for not having one. Harsh criticism doesn’t necessarily have to take place. You could always subtly guide your partner in the right direction. I personally make more noise when they’ve reached a spot that feels good. However, the best thing you could do is just talk about it, before or after you do it. The conversation shouldn’t take long at all, but the time invested will definitely enrich your sex life.
Don’t Downplay the Foreplay
Foreplay is actually an extension of getting comfortable before sex. However, it’s so important I’ve decided to give it it’s own section. I mentioned earlier that it takes two partners to make oral sex an enjoyable experience. When most people think of foreplay, they imagine about 10 or 15 minutes (maybe less) to heat things up before they jump right into whatever comes next. However, good head requires you to be extremely turned on, and that can only happen by taking your time. Women need a lot of foreplay. More than you might think. What I’ve found to be effective is to gradually build up foreplay over a couple of days, maybe dedicating a few hours to it every day . This requires a ton of self-control, but it’s definitely worth it in the end. This will also give you a way to communicate with each other’s bodies. This can help you figure out what you want when you’re ready to go to the next level. (Why is foreplay so crucial? Read all about it in 10 Things You Don't Know About Foreplay.)
If you’re the person on the receiving end, you can guarantee a better experience when you masturbate. I would venture to say that it’s actually mandatory. If you don’t know what you like, how are you able to communicate what you want to someone else? Do whatever you need to do to figure out what works for you. Watch porn, buy sex toys, or read about different techniques, but always remember that there’s always something new to discover about your body. Another good way to involve your significant other is to have them watch you do it. If they know how you touch yourself, they can mimic the same when you decide to be intimate with each other.
Finally, make sure you come at sex in a light-hearted manner. We get so wrapped up in trying to have an orgasm that it often just takes us farther away from our goal. I’ve found that when you stay in the moment and focus on what feels good, orgasms tend to happen on their own.
In short, if you’re the one on the receiving end of getting head, you have just as much responsibility for your pleasure as the person you’re sharing your body with. It’s important to make sure that you know your self, communicate with your partner, relax, and of course have fun. Your body will thank you for it.
Do you need ideas for your next steamy scene? Take our quiz to get a personalized scene built just for you!
If you're just tipping your toe into the world of BDSM, you may be unsure where to even start when it comes to planning out a scene.
We made this quiz to provide you with your next, or first, BDSM scene based on your own tastes and desires!