Folks, this is a hard time to talk about sex in my parts. Working in the centre of the Jian Ghomeshi storm, the climate here is dark and stormy. The situation hangs over, not only Toronto, but many other places where he was a beloved media figure. I’ve seen postings from people far and wide. So I know we’re all hurting, all confused. There are countless stories and posts about Jian Ghomeshi, consent, BDSM and sexual victimization. More than I could give justice to here. And more will come—because we do need them. I encourage you to seek out the many wise words being shared. It is a hard time. But in hard times, we could all use a court jester, so I don my best jokester costume to bring you a little light-hearted fun from the world of sex.

Wanna Touch My Euphemism?

All of those silly little nicknames and euphemisms we've ascribed to genitalia--and sex in general--can be down right fascinating. Really, who thinks up these things? As this article notes, words standing in for cis-female parts are pretty baffling. Gems such as fluffy, peapod and tweenie...really? But vulva/vagina definitely don't have the market cornered on ridiculous alternates. Who can forget member,schlong and Johnson? However, erotica writers definitely need this variety to avoid repetition, or else a cock starts to sound like the animal it is named for "Cock this, cock here, cock yeah!" Hence the creation of one of my favourite books: The Bald-headed Hermit and the Artichoke. That's right, an erotic thesaurus. If you want to find more mystifying synonyms, check it out!



What Happens Behind the Headboard, Stays Behind the Headboard

I’ve only used Air BnB once, and now that I think back on it, I didn’t snoop at all. Which is really odd because I can be ridiculously nosy. That said, I am going to be in an Air BnB place this coming weekend! Will I peak around? Will I try to look behind a headboard and maybe find a hitachi magic wand? No, I don’t think I will. Because I’m not that guy. Granted, that might not have been the best spot to stash her vibrator, but also, when you find a vibrator in someone’s apartment, you leave it be. Maybe you snicker, maybe you raise an eyebrow, but you LEAVE IT. Why did he have to bring it up?

How Do You Stuff All That In A G-String?

An Ontario strip club has been awarded an arts grant. A $100,000 arts grant. This grant, the awarding and the amount, is surely going to shock and rile people up. The idea of public coin going to a strip club will make people upset. Personally, I think it is a great idea. Artistic performance will make The Blue Moon a draw. Renowned performances will draw patrons looking for a different kind of stimulation. Surrouding businesses will benefit from more people in the neighbourhood. The dancers will be personally-enriched. This is clear business-stimulation coinciding with another stimulation. Win Win!

Drone Out

This is f***ing beautiful. I mean, usually I look at something with the porn in it and think the f***ing is beautiful or that it is beautiful to see people f***ing. But this Drone Bone porn is most notably wonderful because it captures stunning scenery, lush landscapes and the occasional wanton wriggling. But, at the same time, isn't there something slightly frightening about the quality and detail filmed here? I don't know about you, but I enjoy some occasional wanton wriggling myself. And now we'll have to wonder if there is a little spy in the air taking it all in. In HD. And then broadcasting it.


"I’ll Have a Grande Vanilla Cock Juice Latte, Please"

Oh, those sodomites, always getting there semen into things. When I read this piece on Pastor James David Manning warning the world about Starbucks’ nefarious plans to put said semen of sodomites in their beverages, I gave a little laugh. And then another more hearty one because I wonder if semen would make Starbucks’ coffee better. I’m just not a fan. However, if the coffee giant were to team up with Paul "Fotie" Photenhauer, author of Cooking with Cum, then perhaps Pumpkin Spiced Latte would be dethroned from its perch as THE MOST DELICIOUS DRINK IN THE WORLD! Although, I’m not really sure what the ingredients of a double double would be…


Let’s Just Keep Trying

Sex toy technology and design certainly has come a long way. Back in the day, some "personal massagers" were shockingly scary, as evidenced by these monstrous contraptions. Nowadays, tickle toys are occasionally awesome—but definitely not all of the time. Sometimes, some sex toy designers get it right, both in function and aesthetics. But don’t be fooled into thinking we’re at the zenith of pleasure product presentation. There are still an inordinate number of bizarre and frightening sex products on the market. Does anyone else remember The Accomodator?