SEX TOYS

The Long and Short of Buying Your First Dildo

by JOELLEN NOTTE

Published: APRIL 16, 2013 | Updated: MARCH 30, 2020

There's so much selection in this aisle of your local sex shop that it can hard to know what to choose.

If you're thinking about buying your first dildo, you may be experiencing a fantasy that looks something like this: You head to the sex shop with visions of phallic joy dancing in your head. You walk in ready to say "One dildo, please!" Then, you're confronted with a dizzying array of shapes, sizes, materials and textures. Do you want one that looks and feels like a penis? Do you want something made of steel, or glass, or acrylic or wood? Do you want something with bumps and ridges? Do you want something that looks like a popsicle? An icicle? A scud missile?

Or are you totally overwhelmed and ready to give up? Yeah. It's not an uncommon problem.

So, let's break it down.

A Dildo for Every Occasion

Strap-On?

If you are strap-happy, your dildo needs to have a flanged base to hold it in a harness. But because this one's for partner play, you also need to consider who is on the receiving end. If pegging is in your plan, consider something with a curve so as to stimulate the prostate. (For more on prostate stimulation read this. Now. I’ll wait.)

If you want this toy for vaginal action, consider fit, especially length, because some of that inherently gets lost under the harness/belly if it's too long. How much depth do you need? For oral play, width is what matters more.

Or Toy-in-Hand?

If you're using a dildo without a strap, your options expand considerably because you don’t need to worry about it being held by a harness. That means you don’t necessarily need a flanged base. Unless, of course, you're using it anally, in which case it must, must, MUST have a flanged base because stuff can get lost in the rectum. Remember: Without a base, without a trace. (Read more about what can go wrong with anal sex in You Shouldn't Have Anal Sex If ....)

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In this case, you'll want to consider shapes. Do you want to feel like you are being penetrated by a penis? Well then, something more realistic may be in order. Do you want to stimulate the G-spot or prostate? This is a great time for something curved. Are you using it on yourself or someone else? If you're looking for something to use on yourself, consider mechanics; if it isn't easy to use, it won't be fun - trust me! There’s nothing worse than getting this close but having to stop because your hand has cramped up into an unrecognizable claw.

Size: Go Big or Go...You Know, Not Big, Whatever Works

Women’s magazines, comedians, and the Washington Monument have all told us that when it comes to phalluses you want to go big or go home. Seriously? No. I have a gorgeous dildo that came highly recommended. I bought it to use by myself at those times I want a penis but, you know, still want to be able to watch "Dance Moms" immediately afterward. But I don’t use it because it’s a bit thick for me to use comfortably and, you know, "Dance Moms" is on. Sad face. Here’s how you can avoid that fate.

Let's Talk About Girth, Baby

The quick and dirty trick here for selecting a dildo with the right girth for you is to consider how many fingers the orifice you intend to use it in comfortably accommodates. Hold that number of fingers up to the largest insertable part (not the base) of any dildo and voilà! And seriously, be practical here. There is some anatomy involved.

The Long and Short of Length

Now, we talked length a bit earlier but here’s something to think about: If your dildo is too long you can always hold back, but if it’s too short there’s not much you can do. Everyone wants the Goldilocks of dildos (just right!), but if you aren't sure, err on the side of too long.

What's That Baby Made Of?

Be picky about your toy materials. It’s worth it. For comfy, realistic-feeling dildos that you can go to town on I love silicone! It’s smooth, a little squishy and can take some serious action. It’s also nonporous so you can clean it super easily.

For hand-held use, the are some amazing options in steel, glass, wood and also, you guessed it, silicone (it’s sometimes used as a coating on firmer toys). Again, these materials are non-porous, so keeping them clean is a breeze and the shape options are pretty awesome.

And...That's the Long and Short of Dildo Shopping

Know what you need it for, how big it should be and what you want it to feel like. That's all it takes to shop for this type of sex toy with confidence - and come up with something you'll enjoy. I know there’s a lot to think about, but it's really simple. Just stop, consider exactly what you want from your sex and accessorize accordingly? Now that's hot.

PRESENTED BY

JoEllen Notte

JoEllen is a writer, speaker, researcher and mental health advocate whose work explores the impact of depression on sex and relationships. Since 2012 she has written about sex, mental health, and how none of us are broken on her award-winning site The Redhead Bedhead.

JoEllen is currently writing her first book: “The Monster Under the Bed: Sex, Depression & The Conversation We Aren’t Having”

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