When I was a wee Wednes, say, sixth grade, I discovered a terrifying secret: My friend's older brother had a condom that supposedly tasted like mint! What? Why in the world would anyone want a condom that tasted like a stick of gum? Who the heck was freshening their breath with condoms? Being a fearless explorer, I decided to find out if it really was mint, or if this was an elaborate adult joke. One sniff let me know that it smelled like mint. Long story short, the sticky stuff on the condom did taste a little like mint. My friend and I spent the rest of the day laughing at the idea that somebody would put a wrigley-tasting condom on their thingy.
Flavored Condoms: Tasty Fun ... When You Know the Rules
Since then, flavored condoms have gushed to the forefront of sexual toys with fun flavors for every palate. One can't deny that mint, cherry, orange, chocolate, or cola flavored condoms are a fun idea. Still, some of the available flavors are a little ... extreme.
Case in point: J&D's is an unusual company with the straightforward motto that everything should look and taste like bacon. So, they make a bacon condom that smells and purportedly tastes exactly like the candy of meats. These condoms are lubricated with a meat-flavored, water-based lubricant. But that's not all. The condom itself actually makes the human penis look like bacon.
Source: J&D's Foods
No, I am not kidding. And as a carnivore, even I find that a little unnerving. I'd be a little surprised if most men would be willing to make their penises look like something begging to be bitten into.
The Dutch came up with an even more absurdly flavored condom, with Cannadoms. Yes, a condom that provides that scent and flavor of marijuana - without any of those bothersome psychotropic effects. For some people, the combination of oral sex and marijuana is the chocolate and peanut butter of pleasure. For others, it's the sort of combination that brings Dionysian hedonism right into your local drugstore. Won't somebody please think of the children?!?
Flavored, Fun ... and Safe?
Flavored condoms now come in almost as many flavors as lip gloss does, including some of your favorite types of booze, like amaretto or pina colaada; and they remain a perennial favorite in the world of sex toys. That's what many of them are though - toys. While some are helpful in stopping the spread of disease, others can lead to a crazy infection if used for vaginal intercourse. How do you know? Here are a few handy tips for flavored condom safety:
- Read the Package - Carefully
Words like "for novelty use only" or "not for vaginal intercourse" mean they will not prevent pregnancy or the spread of STDs.
- Skip Novelty Items
A designation of "novelty" means the condom is unsuitable for intercourse. It may also mean that the condom contains, or is lubricated with, things that shouldn't get into your underpants zone.
- Use Common Sense
Just because the condom package doesn't specifically say you can't do something with the product, doesn't mean you should. For example, condoms that state that they are not for vaginal intercourse should also not be used for anal intercourse.
- Buy Brands You Trust
When in doubt, buy flavored condoms only from a brand you trust. Trojan, Durex, Trustex or other companies that have been around for years are a good bet. Silly McBilly's Willy Wrap? Not so much.
Flavored condoms cost about the same as "regular" condoms, or slightly more depending on where you shop. So pick flavors you like, read the package carefully, and congratulate yourself on the choice to have safe oral sex. (Oh, and be sure to put them on correctly. Read 9 Things You Didn't Know About Putting on a Condom.)
Wednesday Lee Friday is an eclectic writer of fact and fiction. She has worked as a reptile wrangler, phone sex operator, radio personality, concierge, editor, fast food manager, horror novelist, and she owns a soap shop. She prefers jobs that let her sleep during the day. Everybody knows all the best art and literature happen at night!