I heard once that Marilyn Monroe shaved half an inch from the heel of each right shoe she owned in order to wiggle when she walked. I did the same thing to an old pair of stilettos and invented what now must be known as the "drunk robot" lurch. I wasn’t entirely sure what pouting was, but I’d heard it was sexy, and so I stuck my lower lip out like a child about to have a tantrum and hoped I was doing it right. The same goes for black and red. Everybody knows they're sexy colors, right? For at least a year they were the only colors I saw fit to accompany my jerky writhe and full pouty lips (OK, lower lip). Please forgive me. I was only 15.

The truth is, there is no definitive guide on how to be sexy. I’m going to tell you all I've learned - in part while working as a fetish model - and leave it up to you to decide what to wear.

Lesson No.1: Flaunt It Like You've Got It

I bet you already know what’s coming here: Confidence. (The first lesson is always the hardest, right?) I do not mean to imply that shy people cannot make friends or find lovers. Shyness can be adorable. Insecurity, on the other hand, is its annoying little sister. There is nothing less sexy than someone stripping down to little more than lacy bits and then asking about whether they look fat or ugly.

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If you’re insecure about something, visualize packing those feelings into a big bag and throwing it out. Invent an alter-ego like Beyonce’s on-stage persona, Sasha Fierce. And, while you're at it, why not surround yourself with the things that make you feel good, such as flattering clothes, supportive friends and your favorite photos of yourself? (Get more tips in 6 Steps That'll Help You Love Love Love Your Naked Self.)

If your insecurities run deeper than just a few worries and are impacting your life, consider looking into a course of therapy. It’s better to get to the root of the feelings and throw them away for good than to feel you have to live with them for the rest of your life. There is no shame in accepting a little help.

Lesson No.2: It's All In the Eyes

The more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more you’ll smile, make eye contact, and use other body language that shows that you're approachable. And that is sexy!


A lover once told me about an awkward sexual experience he had. The girl in question was attractive with an above-average body, and she was interesting to talk to. The problem? She rarely smiled and could not make eye contact before, during or after sex!

"She never gave the impression she enjoyed it, which made me worry I was taking advantage," this guys told me. "Never again!"

Eyes are expressive and uniquely beautiful. Use yours to your advantage!

Lesson No.3: Throw Out Body Stereotypes

I don't care what porn or the media or past lovers have said: I promise you, you don’t need enormous breasts. Picture terrifying teenage me again. At that age, I wore a 32E bra. And guess what? It didn't make me feel sexy. It really is OK not to have huge bazongas. And trust me, it'll allow you to get away with more interesting cuts of clothing and infinitely more beautiful bras! I’m now a 28FF. I do not fit luxurious undergarments and so, no lover has ever bought me lingerie. If you have life experience, something to talk about and can dress for the occasion, I promise your dainty breasts will not make you look any less of a woman.

Oh, and if you do need a bra, make sure it fits! You deserve a garment that flatters your body and makes you feel fabulous. (Breasts are a major part of many women's sexual identities. Read one woman's story in Why a Feminist Like Me Would Actually Consider Getting a Boob Job.)


And always remember: If you’re undressing for a lover, they will already be so excited that they are about to have sex, all the parts you hate about your body will be the last thing on their mind. Don’t rush for the light switch. Instead, dim the lights and drive them wild by undressing slowly. It's a tactic that's been tried and tested by burlesque dancers of all shapes and sizes the world over.

Lesson No. 4: Know Yourself

Knowledge is sexy, as is knowing what you want. Get to know your own body and what turns it on. Get to know your own mind too. People are attracted to different things, but what's most attractive to others is if you're confident and in love with your own look. If you love the vamp look, go for it! If you prefer a different style, be yourself - you can always break out the fishnets (or whatever you like) for special occasions! Kari Byron from the TV show "Mythbusters" wears T-shirts, jeans and overalls, yet appears regularly on "Most Sexy" lists. When it comes to sexy, anything goes. What really matters is whether your style makes you feel sexy.


If you are the best, most confident version of yourself you can be, you won’t ever need to fall into awkward clichés or Dutch courage. No bending over while licking your lips for you. No breast squeezing or eyelid fluttering (does anyone actually do that??) required - just you, and the knowledge that you are very, very sexy.

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