Sex Stories We Love: The Numbers Game, Bi Any Other Name, & Owning Archetype

This week’s Sex Stories We Love is all about questions. Questions for you, questions for me. Questions for all of us.

The Numbers Game

Does the thought of how many people your partner had sex with bother you? Or does it turn you on? Maybe you don't care in the least because you realize they had a life before you and that doesn’t impact the here and now and you’re going to have fun together. For some, the past experiences of their current partners and lovers can be quite troubling - but it might be that that has less to do with their own fears than society’s shaming of sex. We’re taught to expect and desire people who haven’t gotten around because that somehow shows that they will be faithful later in life. How many times have you heard the reason “I just wanted to try something new” to justify cheating? Surprisingly, this report suggests there isn’t a double standard in the ideal number of people men and women can acceptably have sex with before “settling in.” Well, that’s a little progress!

Our O’s

Have you ever tried to watch your own orgasm face? Or even caught a glimpse of what you look like in the throes of sexual bliss by accident? Just imagine how many people were surprised (or turned on) when they saw themselves reflected back in the mirrors embedded in the headboards of 1980s era waterbeds! What we look like during orgasm is arguably one of the most intimate and vulnerable images our body can express. As such, it is also one of the most intimate and vulnerable images of a partner we can experience. This short film of different people’s orgasm faces is very intriguing to watch. As noted, it can even be a little difficult because we’re not intimately connected with these folks. Because their pleasure is presumed to be authentic by their participation in this film, viewing them is a different experience than watching porn, where savvy consumers understand that the pleasure being projected may just be an act. A small film, a simple experience, much to consider.

Come On!

What happens when good intentions go too far into a new negative? I do believe artist Sofia Metsoviti was on to a great idea when she created her “It’s not done if I don’t come” t-shirts. You’d be surprised at how powerful a message emblazoned on our chests can be! And the message is clear: women’s pleasure should no longer be ignored or considered secondary. This is an important step in ensuring positive sexual fun for everyone. However, the message from Metsoviti is too absolute. Nobody is ever guaranteed to reach orgasm in sex. Metsoviti’s t-shirt can send the message that orgasm is the ultimate sexual goal and those who do not come just aren’t cutting it sexually. That is an equally powerful message, though not one we want to spread. (Read more in Stop Worrying About Your Orgasm. Seriously.)

Bi Any Other Name

Do you know the feeling of doubting your own sexuality? Many folks do now, as we discover and explore the more distinct and the still blurry lines of sexual and emotional attraction. One sexuality that lives on the blurry side, both in the minds of those who aren’t and those who are, is bisexuality. This particular post on not feeling bi enough truly resonated with me because I’ve had these same feelings. Brittney White’s account of her own internalized biphobia and how that affects her is a significant look into how bi folks have to deal with our own doubts. It doesn’t help that bisexuality remains one of the most questioned sexualities - and those questions and the attendant stereotypes can significantly affect one’s own view of their sexuality. Much appreciation to Brittney for putting these words out there.

Owning Archetype

Would you be comfortable calling yourself a whore? Claiming this archetype is a bold statement on both a personal and societal level. That's what Vanessa de Largie has done, claiming the word and identity in such a delicious way. Whore has negative connotation written all over it, and taking that identity for yourself could result in negative ramifications in the sex negative corners of our world. Yet, Vanessa only sees whore in the positive, taking the word at its base meaning and expanding it to embody her life, her words and her sexuality. Personally, I’m going to resonate with this statement today, something we can all remember when people tell us otherwise: “There’s nothing shameful about loving to fuck.”

Speaking of Delicious…

Need I say more than Nutella-filled penis cakes with strategically placed icing? There’s a mouthful!