15 Reasons Why Parents Don't Talk to Their Kids About Sex

When you first start thinking about sex education, it is pretty common to have fears about whether you are doing the right thing by talking to your kids about sex.

You’re not alone, as most other parents have questions and concerns too about sex education, and are wondering about how much information they should be sharing with their kids and how to go about it.

Here are some of the most common concerns that stop parents from talking to their kids about sex.

Won’t they lose their innocence?

No, your kids won’t lose their innocence, but by not talking to your kids about sexuality, you are leaving them ignorant and vulnerable to sexual exploitation and abuse. If anything, talking to your kids about sex will actually help to maintain their innocence. It is important to remember that "innocence" is different from "ignorance." Innocence can be seen as freedom from guilt or shame, whereas ignorance means lacking knowledge or information.

I think that the best place for kids to learn about sexuality is in the home, knowing that they have parents that they can trust and come to with all their questions. If you aren’t sure about the benefits of sex education, you can find out more here.

I find it too embarrassing to talk about sex with my kids.

Guess what, you’re not alone! All parents feel varying degrees of embarrassment when talking to their kids about sexuality. It just comes with the territory!

That said, there are some things that you can do to help manage your embarrassment:

• Let your kids know that you feel embarrassed and try saying something like, “I feel a bit uncomfortable talking about sex because my parents never talked with me about it. But this is an important subject so I really want to talk with you about it.”
• Start talking early whilst they are still happy with simple information.
• Talk when you’re doing something else, such as the washing up – this makes it seem like sex is an everyday topic and not something to be ashamed of.
• Take a deep breath and take your time to respond to questions – what’s the rush?
• Use humor – you don’t have to make a joke about it but laughing about sex and relationships shows that it is a normal topic.
• Get some sex education books to read with your kids.
• Have a phrase ready for those inappropriate moments, such as “That’s a good question. How about we talk about it when we get home.” Make sure that you do follow up on the question.

They haven’t asked me any questions yet.

Some kids just don’t ask a lot of questions about sex and relationships but it doesn’t mean that they aren’t interested. It just means that you have to be the first one to bring up the subject.

Here are two ways to do that:

• You could look for an everyday opportunity to start talking about it. For example, next time you see a pregnant woman you could say something about her having a baby soon.
• You could buy a sex education book on a specific topic and read it with your child.

I don’t know how to answer their questions ...

You answer their questions simply and honestly with enough information to satisfy their curiosity. Kids will usually ask another question if they need more information or if they don’t understand you. Keep it short, based on facts and positive. (Read Why I Decided to Teach My 6-Year-Old About Condoms.)

What if they ask questions at inappropriate times and places?

Trust me, they will ask their questions at the wrong place and at the wrong time – at the supermarket, on the bus, while their grandparents are visiting…

The important thing is to let them know that their question or comment is very interesting and important, but it is one better discussed in a more private place, when alone together, or when there is more time to discuss the question.

Have a phrase ready for inappropriate moments, such as “That’s a good question. Let’s talk about it when we get home.” It is important to remember to follow up when the time is more appropriate.

Can I tell them too much?

No, you can’t tell them too much.

Kids can only take in as much information as they are able to understand. If you give them too much information, they will just get bored and switch off. You’ll see their eyes glaze over and they will stop asking questions or just wander off, meaning that they have probably heard enough, for today anyway. Remember to not turn each conversation into a lecture, but to listen and to ask questions in return.

For the most part, information they don’t understand will roll off and be understood in a later conversation. Again, you don’t have to go into every detail, but be prepared to do so later. Sex education is about lots of little conversations.

Should I use the correct names for private body parts?

We call an arm an arm and a nose a nose, so it makes sense to call a penis or vulva by the correct name as well. By doing this, we normalize these words and parts of the body. By using correct words we are also providing kids with a vocabulary they can use in any situation.

For example, if they tell their teacher that a someone made them eat his sausage (penis) at lunch time, the teacher may interpret this as a silly prank instead of (unhealthy) sexual behavior. Using correct words helps kids talk about these parts of their bodies, which can help keep them safe.

And remember, it's "vulva" and not "vagina." The vagina is the inside part, whereas the vulva refers to what you can see on the outside.

If you are worried about your kids using these words inappropriately, just explain that these words are private words and that we use them properly.

If I talk to my kids about sex, aren’t I just encouraging them to be sexually active?

No. Talking about sex and relationships with your kids won’t make them go out and act out sexually. By withholding this information, your child will just find it from other sources, many which may be inaccurate. One of those sources could include experimentation.

By talking to your kids, you are providing them with factual information and sharing your family values about many sexual issues, such as contraception, sexual intercourse, relationships, etc.