Five Knuckles, Shuffled

Published: MAY 26, 2016
Internet porn presents a problem of logistics for the non-ambidextrous.

Consider the scene:


A computer screen glows in a darkened room. With a desk chair leaned back and pants discarded in a heap, a young man clicks through link after link. Unfortunately, the search is a slow and frustrating endeavor. Is that Smashing Pumpkin’s “Today” in the distance as a car races past? He doesn’t know because he's tuned out the rest of the world ... he’s found something. Ever-so-slowly a photo reveals its secrets - bodies entwined in wicked ways our scavenger has yet to try, or even imagine. He reaches down to touch his cock. He’s ready, he needs this. Is one image enough? Back to the mouse his hand flies. New picture, better than the last. His penis strains with need, so he reaches down, for a couple minutes this time. The need to see more wins out and his hand, once again, returns to the mouse.

Lathered up. Repeat. No Rinse.


I know there are far more significant problems in the world, but for a time, I was really confused about how I wanted to masturbate. You see, I’m a fella in his early 40s. I grew up with old-school porn: magazines and, if I was super lucky, videotape. Lots of wrinkled pages and even a few broken tapes from repeated viewings. These were the best it got because the Internet wasn’t even a thing in my formative masturbatory years. Those were special times, I tell you.

I reveled in these mediums because I didn’t even own a computer until I inherited a 286 in the final year of my university career. When I finally plugged in, I discovered message boards and naturally drifted to sex-themed spaces. It wasn't long before I'd found those first pornographic images on the screen. This was a thrill! I’d grown up on the prowl for print and videotape, doing whatever I could to get my hands on either. Yet with this new whiz-bang of a contraption, I could whiz-bang my own contraption in the comfort of my own home.

My Personal Problem With Online Porn

But here’s the rub: I’m a righty. Like, I am fully and completely right-handed. I can do very little with my left hand. I do use it to catch baseballs and, if I’m completely honest, it would occasionally be used to play with other balls as well. However, that's it. If I can use my right hand, I will. So, it should be no surprise that my natural impulse is to use my right hand for both mouse and masturbation control.


Seriously. It's a conundrum!

When I finally realized this might be a problem (and it didn’t take long), I resolved to improve my left-handed mousing skills. Can’t be that hard, right? Well, after many distinctly difficult and awkward sessions of trying to upgrade my lefty navigation skills, I was frustrated. It didn’t matter how hard I tried, I would inevitably be unable to control the arrow, I’d click the wrong link and something less desirable would pop up. This caused some major self-love let-downs. Remember, this was the 1990s. To parahrase a line from "The IT Crowd," sometimes it did take hours to see just a handful of sexy images. Clicking the wrong link was a sad thing.

You’re probably wondering why I didn’t just switch hands for jerking off. You'd have a good point. It wasn’t as if I didn’t try this. The thing is, using my left hand didn’t feel as good. I couldn’t get the right grip, my arm didn’t want to move the same way and it just felt weird. There’s a running joke that using your non-dominant hand can feel like someone else is stroking you. Well, if that were the case, I was glad I wasn’t dating that person because I did not enjoy their hand jobs! So, instead, I did the right-handed dance, eventually focusing on one image at the point of no return.

The Internet kept growing. It expanded infinitely. The quality and quantity of porn at my fingertips was so tantalizing. Eventually, I moved on to laptops and learned that my left hand was even more useless with a trackpad than it had been with a mouse. However, my laptop did let me lounge in bed for solo sexy time. Everything was pointing to 'bating bliss except the actual touch!


Practice Makes Perfect

Something had to give.

So, I gave my left hand another go. It was still awkward. It was still weird. It still felt completely unnatural ... but I made it work. Maybe I was just more motivated. Maybe it was the improved content - so many hot videos of sexy folks - but I persevered with perverted passion.

Finally, I developed a new habit of jerking off with my left hand...and I grew to enjoy it.

And I still like it! I get to marry my enjoyment of online porn with the pleasurable sensations of masturbation. A twinge of nostalgia always creeps across my groin when I spot porn magazines on the shelf and I remember my analog days of fun. Yet, for the most part, those days are gone. I like my porn to be at the click of a button - one that I can push with a finger on my right hand.

You know what? That right hand is happy navigating because on the odd occasion that I do find myself in a right-handed romp (usually with a partner), jerking just doesn’t feel as good. It is still better than my first impressions of using the left, but it just doesn’t feel right anymore. Some situations will call for it, such as mutual masturbation with a partner, but when I have my choice, I lube up the left. Five knuckles, shuffled.

Photo for Jon Pressick
Jon Pressick

Jon Pressick is a sex-related media gadabout. For more than 20 years, Jon has been putting sex into our daily conversations at his long-running site SexInWords—as a writer, editor, publisher, sex toy reviewer, radio host, workshop facilitator, event producer and more. These days, he focuses on writing for Kinkly, GetMeGiddy, The Buzz and PinkPlayMags and editing Jason Armstrong's series of Solosexual books. You can find him on Twitter at @Sexinwords.