Judging by the number of stories we hear from women who've received unsolicited (and unwelcome) "dick pics" from boyfriends, acquaintances and guys they've only casually said "hey" to on dating websites, I’m concerned about men and their sexting technique with women. A short lesson is in order. Here I'll provide some tips on how to enjoy flirty, sensual and even sexual texts that are also classy and - most important - respectful.
Sexting for Men: How to Keep It Classy and Still Get Your Rocks Off
How to Get Started With Classy Sexting
Many women will enjoy hearing about how much you like them, how exciting/interesting/attractive/intelligent/beautiful/pretty/sexy/sensual etc., that you find them. In fact, they’d probably rather hear that than see a picture of your cock. Please remember this.
One of the sexiest things you can say to a woman is a very simple…
“I’ve been thinking about you…”
You could use any variation of that theme - “I thought about you last night…” (which can feel more sexual, as it implies that maybe you were in bed thinking about her…) or “I love thinking about you…"
“I thought about you this morning,” kinda sounds like you woke up with morning wood as you always do and decided you needed someone to think about so you could go jerk off in the shower. That wouldn’t be my first choice, and probably shouldn't be your first choice, either.
If you think she’s into it, maybe go as far as writing “I get excited when I think about you…”
Notice that these messages are pretty subtle and that the focus is on her, and not on your particular turn-ons.
Follow Her Lead
Follow her lead. If she responds with “My pussy is wet from thinking about you” then maybe you can respond with a similar “Now you’ve made my cock nice and hard.”
Then see where she takes it from there. She may be down on her knees with your cock in her mouth by the next text or she may let it stay in that we're both turned on, but we’re not actually talking about what we’re doing to each other yet territory. That can be an exciting place to hang out. See if you can keep it there for a bit.
Keep Your Focus on Her
Again, compliments are often welcome. Keep the focus on her.
Writing “You have beautiful breasts” is different (and generally more well received) than writing “I like titty fucking.” The difference is one is about her and how you appreciate her body. The other is totally about you.
Plus, just imagine how much more exciting it could be to just let things build…
“I was thinking about your beautiful breasts.”
“What were you thinking?”
Your Sexting Should Be Based on Your History
OK, here you gotta be ready with something good. Of course, it depends if you’ve already been together or not. If you’ve already enjoyed her beautiful breasts, you could try…
“I was remembering how sexy they looked in your black bra and how much I love sucking your beautiful brown/pink nipples.”
You could also try “I was thinking about how turned on you got when I sucked your gorgeous nipples.”
Then, maybe if you’re feeling bold and her responses are enthusiastic, you could take it to: “I was thinking of other things I’d love to do with your breasts.”
Again, let the conversation move along naturally and give her a chance to respond. Be playful.
What Does She Like?
Ask her what she likes. Remember, she may not know and that’s OK too. It depends on her level of experience and her level of comfort with talking about these things. It can’t hurt to ask. It shows that you care about what she wants.
Also, showing that you remember the details of your time together is a way of showing you are paying attention. Paying attention means that you give a shit.
What If You've Never Slept Together?
Let’s say you’ve never been together. Here is a fun, sexy build-up to your first in-person date.
Keep in mind that you don’t want to make promises you can’t or likely won’t keep. So, while it may feel tempting to say “I can’t wait until my rock hard cock is in your mouth and you take my load and then I’m gonna eat your pussy ... blah blah blah…" Don't.
Let's come back to reality. Most cocks have a refractory period. This is the time between when a cock ejaculates and when that cock can get hard again and start the sexual response cycle over. I know there are tantra masters out there who can have multiple orgasms without coming, and there are some guys who have short refractory periods - there are always exceptions. If you aren't one of them, think about what you’re promising. Be realistic. You also don’t have to talk about everything you have ever fantasized about doing to a woman before you meet. Some things can wait until you are together. See how the chemistry is and follow that rhythm.
There is so much to explore, so many beautiful possibilities. Don’t rush things. Instead, savor and play with the erotic energy you are creating over the airwaves.
I realize that some women want to be tied up, fucked hard, want you to come all over them, and put clothespins on their nipples. If you’ve seen her Fetlife profile, you know what she wants, she knows what you want, and you’ve already established that kind of rapport, go for it. Just be sure you know she's game for that kind of conversation first. Again, this is not just about you. If you aren't sure, let things build slowly and avoid making assumptions.
So, What About a Dick Pic?
What about that picture of your cock? There’s some evidence that women are less affected by visual sexual stimulation than men. For you, the exchange of naughty pics and videos may be more important than it is for her. This is not the case with everyone. Some women may want a picture or video of you stroking your cock. Either way, don’t ever send an unsolicited dick pic or video. In fact, many women consider it a form of visual assault. If you get far enough that an exchange of sexy pics seems appropriate, always ask before sending one.
Just as in live sex, communication with and consent from a partner is the key in sexting. It’s OK to say “I’ve been thinking some naughty thoughts about you. Is it OK to share?” That text alone could be enough to get her excited about you and waiting for that next sentence.
Remi Newman, MA, is a sex educator, counselor and writer with over 20 years of experience in the field of sexuality. She currently works as an STI educator and counselor in Northern California. She received her master’s degree in sex education from NYU and is a PhD student in the human sexuality program at CIIS in San Francisco.