How to Ask Your Partner to Be Your Dominant

After months of reading, investigating, thinking and stalking the Internet, you're positive you're a submissive. When you look at your partner, you believe they could be your Dominant. You need them to be your Dominant. But how do you talk to them about it? What if they refuse? What if they agree?

I'm at a disadvantage when it comes to a very common topic among many submissives, especially married women. I discovered BDSM when I was single, post-divorce. Once I realized what I wanted and needed, I only pursued relationships with men who knew they were Dominants. I never had to have the hard conversations that occur when you want to take your vanilla relationship to a kinky level.

It's something that seems so common. I know that people struggle with it every day. I turned to a few submissive friends of mine who all came to a point in their relationships when they were ready to be a submissive to their spouse. Not every relationship had a perfect or easy transition, and D/s isn't an automatic fix – as one of my friends knows all too well. Yet, if they can do it, so can you.

Meet My Submissive Friends

Mynx, also known as My Sir's Mynx, has been married for 22 years and became her husband's submissive two and a half years ago. She's a blogger and makes beautiful, and subtle, collars.

Little BoPeep (affectionately known as Peep) was married for 27 years and entered into a D/s dynamic with her husband in the last few years of marriage. They are now separated.

Caitlyn is the blogger also known as LSAM or Love, Sex, and Marriage. The blog came before the D/s relationship. She and her husband have been married for 10 years, and in the D/s life for three and a half.

Desiring Discipline (DD, for short) combines her need for BDSM and kink with her Christian beliefs to find the balance and strength to have a happy marriage. She and her husband have been married for 23 years, and have been a D/s couple for three years.

Notice something about all of them? They've been married for years, and it's only recently that they've discussed and transitioned to a D/s dynamic in their relationship. Some credit "50 Shades of Grey" for helping them. Others admit they've been kinky most of their lives, even though they never told their partners.

Having the Conversation – What You Think They'll Say Vs. Reality

Tell me if this sounds familiar?

“I worried he'd think I was strange,” Mynx told me.

“I expected laughter and disbelief. I figured he'd think I was crazy,” DD said.

Maybe you're hoping that your partner is a mind reader, like Caitlyn. “I hoped he'd read my mind. I hinted and 'acted' submissive in hopes it would develop without me having to say much.”

If you're thinking about telling your partner you're a submissive, your fears and worries are completely normal. Maybe, like Caitlyn, you hope that you will never actually have to say something. At a certain point, though, if this is what you really want and need, you're going to have to speak up. You may be surprised at the reactions you get.

“He was excited and began researching the lifestyle almost immediately,” Mynx said.

“It was a rough transition during a hectic time in our marriage. I think it saved our marriage, though. Ultimately, he was excited and turned on, but also a little upset that maybe he hadn't been able to satisfy me prior to this,” Caitlyn said.

And did DD's husband react the way she expected? A little. He laughed and was in disbelief, as well as a little uncomfortable, but he was also willing to listen. Which, at the end of the day, is all you really need.

This is not a magic fix for your relationship though.

“I thought he'd be thrilled when I mentioned it, and I think he was relieved, but ultimately, it still couldn't fix or save our marriage,” Peep said.

BDSM isn't a magic pill, but it's still important to be true to yourself and communicate your needs with your partner.