What Does a Real Dominant Look Like?
by KAYLA LORDS
Published: MARCH 11, 2016
| Updated: AUGUST 9, 2021
Real dominants don't all wear three-piece suits or leather. They don't throw out orders to total strangers. But they have many traits in common - and none of them are sexual or about the clothes they wear.
Contrary to what the erotica burning up e-readers around the world will tell you, not all Dominants wear three-piece suits, own multi-billion dollar corporations, or turn their secretaries into their submissives from the first interview. Books like that are fun to read and certainly get me all steamed up, but trying to find a Dominant that fits that mold is nearly impossible.
Dominant people, because they can be male or female, cis or trans, come in every shape, size, color, sexual preference, income bracket, education level and career. There is no perfect picture of a Dominant. The men don't all wear suits. The women don't always wear leather or latex. Many Dominants I know are typically found in jeans and t-shirts.
So, what does a “real” Dominant look like? In my experience – as someone who loves a Dominant and is friends with others – they all have very similar traits. But here's the surprising thing: Not one of those traits is physical.
Common Traits of a Real Dominants
Patience
A good Dominant doesn't rush into giving you commands from the moment you meet. If they do, it's likely a test. Master M, a friend of mine and Domme (yes, she's female and yes, she uses the title “Master”), has said many times that if she's giving a new potential submissive an order, it's to see if they have a backbone and will stand up to her. Dominants are in no rush to have you bow and kneel before them. They want to get to know you as a person first. (Learn more in 5 Ways to Spot a Good Dominant.)
Integrity
The best Dominants do what they say they're going to do. They're consistent in thought, speech and action. You know where you stand with them. The reality is that you might not always like what you hear, but you know you're being told the truth as they see it or they're doing what they think is best.
Responsibility
Real Dominants, the kind you can trust with your mind and body, understand that they have a responsibility to their submissive. They take responsibility for their actions and their words. Sure, things can be said in anger, but a Dominant with a strong sense of responsibility will own up to their mistakes and work to repair a fractured situation.
Willingness to Learn
Dominants, even those in the lifestyle for many years, know they don't know everything. They also realize they're capable of making mistakes. Good Dominants are constantly seeking new information, whether it's about a new toy to try, a protocol to introduce, or simply a better way to handle the difficult situations that crop up in any relationship. (Want to try your hand at domination? Read So, You Want to Be a Dominant? for tips on how to get started.)
Communication
Any Dominant worth their salt knows the key to a successful D/s relationship is communication. They not only want to share information and details with you, they also want you to share your thoughts, feelings and needs with them. Based on your own relationship, how you communicate can vary wildly, but the ability is always there.
Consent
No conversation about D/s is ever complete unless we discuss consent. Consent is, according to a Master I know named Cade, not as simple as saying, “Yes.” Consent must be informed. Neither of you, Dominant or submissive, is truly giving clear consent if you don't know what you're saying yes to. Clear consent means understanding what's going to happen, what it will feel like, and what the result will be. (Read more in When Consent is Sexy.)
