15 Things I Plan to Do Differently About My Sex Life in 2020
Published: JANUARY 7, 2020
| Updated: JANUARY 12, 2022 02:09:25
I have a fantastic sex life. The kind of sex life that most people fantasize about. I’m not one to make New Year’s resolutions, but there’s always room for improvement, right?
In the spirit of being a better lover and partner in 2020, I pulled together 15 things I’d like to do a little differently this year.
1. Make More Fantasies a Reality
I recently found myself in a situation where one of my fantasies serendipitously came true. Usually, I plan such things and pre-negotiate every last detail – from boundaries and expectations to safer sex protocols. In this case, everything fell into place, and all of the things I typically worry about were addressed before anyone got naked.
Everything went swimmingly, and it left me feeling empowered to make more fantasies happen IRL in 2020. It doesn’t have to be have to be a big, overly-planned and hyped production number.
Read: What It Means If You Fantasize During Sex
2. Make Time for Booty Calls
As someone who practices polyamory and ethical non-monogamy, my life is pretty much ruled by Google Calendar. There isn’t a lot of wiggle room for spontaneity unless there's a last-minute cancellation.
Instead of waiting for a planned date night, I’d like to slide into my partner’s DMs for a quickie. There’s something satisfying about asking for what you want, when you want it, and having the need for sex for the sake of sex fulfilled.
Read: The Best Sex Positions For Quickies
3. Be More Vocal About My Wants and Desires
I’m pretty outspoken about what I want in bed and have no problem sharing fantasies or specific requests. If things don’t go as planned, I am comfortable redirecting or stopping sexy time. I’m of the mindset that you can never really over-communicate.
I plan to be even more vocal about my needs in the new year. If I know what I want, I need to ask for it. My partners are incredible human beings, capable of so many things, but none of them are mind readers. I’d like to deepen my connections by communicating my needs more (and being open to theirs, as well).
Read: Sex Communication 101
4. Masturbate First Thing in the Morning and Right Before I Go to Sleep
I masturbate. A lot. But, most of the time, it’s a stress reliever, an orgasmic means to an end, instead of a “just because” event. In 2020, I plan to carve out more intentional time for self-pleasure. Sure, it’s hands down the fastest way to quell my anxiety, but orgasm doesn’t have to be the end goal.
Sometimes, spending leisurely time touching myself is simply enough. Plus, it feels really, really good.
Read: Masturbation Each Day Keeps the Doctor Away
5. Reinstate the Sexcel spreadsheet
In past years, I’ve kept a Sexcel spreadsheet. It chronicled all of my sexual encounters, from basic time and place details, to how we fucked, and who came and how. It was basically a daily exercise in the name of science. Last year, I refrained from documenting my sexploits, since I had a partner who couldn’t deal with the pressure of me keeping a sexual tally. The first time he asked, “Are you going to document that my dick didn’t work?” I knew my fact-finding mission was over.
I respected that worry (since I’m not a total jerk), but he’s no longer in the scene, and I’m back at long-term doing it data action. There's something kind of empowering and eye-opening about looking at years’ worth of sexual activity.
6. Be OK With not Actively Dating
I know I’m in the minority when I say I really like dating. As an introvert, I feel like I need to put disclaimers all over this claim. I like meeting new people and sleuthing out where the commonalities lie. I also sometimes feel left out when my partners are dating, and I'm not.
I'm at a point in my relationships, where I'm content with all of my dynamics. I’d much rather throw my energy into nurturing the relationships I currently have than actively building new ones. I am open to the possibility of new dynamics – if someone amazing appears in my life, awesome. But I’m OK with not putting a lot of effort into making it happen.
7. Date Within My Experience Level
I'm not an entry-level dater. I have a ton of dating and sexual experience. As much as I don’t want to seek partners who tick certain boxes, I also don’t have the capacity to take on people with minimal relationship skills. I have a long, arduous history of taking on "firsts" in my relationships – whether it's being someone's first polyamorous relationship, same-sex experience, or a first foray into kink.
I get that everyone needs to start somewhere, but I'm exhausted from leading people through their firsts. In 2020, I don’t want to take on any projects. If someone has work they need to do, that’s fine. FIND A THERAPIST. I cannot recommend therapy enough. I’m just not inclined to handhold anyone through their growing pains at this time. Figure your shit out, find a secure and stable foundation, then let’s talk.
8. Be More Open About My Bisexuality
Despite all the progress that’s been made in LGBTQIA communities, bisexuality, or the “B” in LGBTQIA, is still widely misunderstood. I’m a female-identifying person who dates women, but also dates cis and bisexual men. Imposter syndrome is real, and often, I don't feel queer enough.
I'm tired of worrying about what other people think. My identity is valid, and I'm not going to dilute it out of fear.
9. Do More Kegel Exercises
So many women worry about being "too tight" or "too loose." The thing is, there’s no “right” amount of vaginal tightness. In 1947, OB/GYN Dr. Arnold Kegel designed a series of exercises to strengthen women’s pelvic floors. The technique? To contract and squeeze the vaginal walls for six to eight seconds (with an empty bladder), then relax the muscles. The idea is to repeat the exercise 10 times, two or three times per day. At the time, it was intended to prevent urinary incontinence and was very effective with more than a 90% success rate.
In 2020, I’d like to work on strengthening my vaginal and pelvic floor. For one, it can enable the elusive vaginal orgasm. It can also give your penis-haver partners stronger orgasms and prevent urinary incontinence.