Is Debbie from Ohio into bondage? What about discipline? Or roleplay? It’s a question pro Domme Alicia Zadig asked herself several times in writing her recently released book, “Yes, Mistress.” It provides a fascinating look into male submission, what it looks like and even what’s behind it. It also offers a heart-pumping read for people who want to dominate, those who want to submit and even those who enjoy reading as a voyeur to the scene. Despite its erotic side, though, this book offers far more than sexy content; it’s also a great primer on BDSM in general.
This pro Domme says the most common male fantasy is to be dominated - and that most men crave it.
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Read an excerpt from “Yes, Mistress.”
Having worked as a Dominatrix for a number of years, Zadig gets an intimate, inside look at people’s kinks and fetishes, one most people will never see. She wanted her book to not only reveal that, but also demystify domination, submission and all the kinks in between for people all along the spectrum, from kinky to just curious.“When I wrote the book, I had a model of what a non-kinky but interested-in-kink person would look like and I tried to make the book accessible to them,” Zadig said. “So throughout my writing, I would ask myself, ‘Would Debbie from Ohio understand this? Or would Debbie be mortified? Maybe Debbie from Ohio does need to know and understand the more extreme side of this ... but let’s maybe not make her cringe too much.”
Chances are, Debbie from Ohio is interested. A number of surveys suggest that more than half the general population has fantasies about BDSM-related activities. “Yes, Mistress” is about the men who are living out one of those less-talked-about fantasies in secret: male submission.
“I have seen a side of men they don’t reveal to anyone”
“I have seen a side of men they don’t reveal to anyone,” Zadig tells me. “The most common male fantasy is to be dominated, and I think every man craves being dominated to some degree.”
Having met many such men through her career, Zadig doesn’t feel they’re unusual in any way, either.
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“These men are normal - this is a natural desire,” Zadig said. “There are so many misconceptions about BDSM and the people who enjoy it.”
Read: A Parade of Submissives: What Kind of Bottom Are You?
Zadig’s fascinating book provides a peek into her world a little bit as well, including how she stumbled into domination as a 19-year-old college student.
“I was open minded and curious and went into it without any preconceived notions around what it was about,” Zadig said.
After stumbling upon a stack of fetish magazines under her boyfriend’s bed, Zadig was floored to discover a whole world she hadn’t even known existed.
“It was this adult game I didn’t know anything about,” Zadig said.
It wasn’t long before she was experimenting with dominating that boyfriend. Shortly thereafter, she had an interview for a position at a local dungeon, where she got a tour from the proprietor, along with a key piece of advice.
“I quickly realized these guys could be my professor, my accountant, my personal trainer - anyone. And he told me, ‘These men are normal guys. This is not about hurting men. It’s important that you get to know and care about these men as people.’”
Read: An Insider's Look at the Mysterious World of BDSM Dungeons
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Zadig says connection is a big part of fulfilling that role and helping men live out desires they tend to keep hidden in their day-to-day lives.
“We like to believe that men want to be dominant at all times and nothing could be further from the truth,” Zadig said. “Men want to submit and have this enjoyable time without being judged for it. And it’s not so much that these men are submissive; they’re men who crave submission as part of their lives.”
Zadig’s book provides lots of racy scenes with clients, which are supported by solid information about kink, BDSM and male fantasy. Most fascinating, though, is her attempt to look behind these activities, including men’s recollections of their earliest submissive fantasies, many of which emerged in childhood.
Tracing submissive desires all the way back allows Zadig to speculate on why people seek to fulfill them. It’s also how she explains what many people in the D/s community already know well - that this type of erotic play is about so much more than sex.
“D/s is all very visual and sexy but people can overlook the deeper aspects of it, like the needs that are being met,” Zadig said. “Sex doesn’t fulfill those needs. Sex is easy. Sex you can get anywhere. It’s about a lot more than just being horny.”
D/s is all very visual and sexy but people can overlook the deeper aspects of it, like the needs that are being met,
Exactly what those needs are, Zadig says, isn’t something she’s necessarily privy to. Instead, she aims to form a connection with her submissives, respond to their cues and “take them on a journey” by following their lead.
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“What their needs are is something I’m still learning,” Zadig said. “From the outside, we’re just looking at what they’re into and what type of scene will fulfill that for them.”
What she knows for sure is that these scenes often involve a sense of danger, and of pushing her submissives’ limits.
“A lot of [my clients] are fortunate enough to have a life that has a lot of certainty,” Zadig said. “I love to push their limits and have them feel that sense of danger and that they’ve gone right past their comfort zone. But, at the end of the day, they know they’re safe and are gonna walk out of there.”
For the curious and those who want to experiment with domination and submission, Zadig recommends exploring from a place of curiosity and fun.
“This is an amazing adult game so have fun, you know,” Zadig said. “Really go into this as a place of no judgment and find someone you enjoy playing with to live out some of your wildest fantasies.”
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Tara Struyk
Tara Struyk is a co-founder and the editor-in-chief of Kinkly.com. She’s a content creation and management executive with 15 years of experience working in online media. As a writer, her work has appeared in dozens of publications, including Forbes, Glamour, MensHealth and Investopedia.
Tara is currently the VP of Content at Janalta.com, where she leads the editorial department and directs content production for a diverse portfolio of websites in niche verticals. She has launched several sites from the ground up, and has experience managing sites from pre-launch all the way to maturity. She has deep experience in online analytics, SEO optimization, content marketing and editorial direction.
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