BDSM
Let's Meet Virtually: How the BDSM Community Has Gone Online
When in-person events became mostly impossible, kinksters did what kinkster do...got creative! Now, the online BDSM community is flourishing in fun and exciting ways.
Kink and BDSM groups have been very different for the last year and a half. Just like everything about our lives, we've all had to adjust what our lives look like. With many shut-down restrictions in place, most of us could no longer physically "see" one another - and that means we all had to rely on our creativity to still get some of the human interaction we all needed.
Kink and BDSM groups went through that as well. If you've never been to a kink meet-up, you might assume that the sole purpose of a BDSM group is sexual arousal and fulfillment. If you ever choose to attend one, you'll quickly figure out how wrong you are. Most kink and BDSM groups are social support groups - the same way any other type of hobbyist group does.
Just like how your everyday friends and family may not understand or "get" your miniature painting collection - or how excited you are to find a new plant clipping - hobbyist social groups provide a safe, relatable space for a like-minded group of people. In the case of kink and BDSM, though, where people with alternative identities, sexualities, and hidden lifestyles are the norm, many people don't have ANY other outlet once these communities aren't available.
It's why BDSM munches tend to be filled with some of the most benign conversations you'll ever hear. People will catch up about their families and home renovations. People will talk about their health. People will discuss how their slave training is going (okay, well, that one isn't as common at most family meet-ups!).
Read: Everything You Need to Know About Attending Your First BDSM Munch
BDSM and kink communities offer safe, welcoming places where participants feel safe being their "whole" selves - not just the public-appropriate persona they have to put on during most aspects of their lives. It's not nearly as "sexual" as you might think.
This leads to an entire community where people into kink feel comfortable getting together, getting to know one another, and getting to indulge in their kink. Functionally speaking, most kink communities offer multiple ways to get involved. Social functions are called "munches" or "sloshes" - depending on whether alcohol is involved. Kink classes - about how to do various kinks - happen as well. "Play Parties" are events where people gather to do kinky things with one another in a safe, supervised space. Those double as a play event and social event.
Pre-pandemic, all of those activities took place in physical locations. Munches were always held in private rooms at restaurants - to feel like a safe space for newbies to come in and get to know a group. (Would you rather show up to a breakfast restaurant - or a complete stranger's house?)
Those same restaurants might have held verbal-only kink education discussions or "roundtables". Most likely, though, kink education would take place in someone's home or at a local kink or swinger's club.
Of course, you have the big one most people think of when they think about kink communities too: play parties. Those were exclusively held in private residences or at kink or swinger's clubs.
All of those are very obviously in-person events. The pandemic put a wrench in things, but as anyone knows, kinksters are very DIY people. So when the restrictions fell, we all had to get a bit creative.
Read: Everything You Need to Know About Attending Your First Play Party
It wasn't a sudden thing written in stone by the "Central Kink Group Agency." Such a thing doesn't exist. Instead, it was bootstrapping by various organizations trying to figure out how to keep their friends together - and keep their spaces open. Group A would try something, and Group B saw how successful it was, so they tried it on their own too.
As always, it's just kinksters trying to be friends with other kinksters - and share education and safe spaces in the process. Alicia Dunlap, Lion's Den E-commerce and Digital Brand Manager and Certified Sexual Health Educator, commented on the success of moving their ladies' nights (which is their way to close the pleasure gap and give women a safe space to explore their sexuality in a comfortable environment with friends) to online events. The in-person events generally offer product and sexual health education, hor d’oeuvres, free goodies, games, and prizes.
"We began our [video conferencing] toy parties in light of covid in April of 2020. Typically, we have ladies’ nights twice a year in the Spring and Fall at all 44 of our store locations...Since we couldn’t do this in person, due to the newly emerging pandemic, we took to [video conferencing]! We weren’t sure what to expect for the first toy party but ended up overwhelmed by the response and turn out. We sold almost 1,000 tickets and more than half of those patrons attended.
So, how did other kink events change because of the pandemic?
Munches Moved Online
The first thing to move were the munches. Since munches were social-only, beginner-friendly events to begin with, they were one of the easiest things to move. Luckily for all of us, munches translate semi-well to video conferencing.
So, instead of heading over to your local restaurant, you just pop onto a video conferencing app to "attend" your local munch. Just like your local in-person munch would have been, it will just be an hour or two of random conversation. Some might be about kink topics, but a lot of it will likely be about video games, pop culture, anime, movies, and other non-kinky topics.
Most munches tend to have a solid core of people (like those who have become good friends) with a few outliers coming in and out as comfort levels and time permits. Some of those casual visitors come around to enough munches to start considering themselves part of the "core" group. Many don't.
Because of the ease of access, you'd assume that munches would be overflowing with people compared to pre-pandemic levels. That has yet to be the case. Without a scientific poll (good luck getting science to fund that one!), I'd guess that video conferencing burnout and privacy concerns are high up there as items that keep people from feeling comfortable attending.
That being said, since munches allow zero sexual or kink activity and are focused on bringing socialization to people who are otherwise cut-off from their kink community, they are the best-attended online kink events. It looks just like a friendly conference call between friends - only someone is probably wearing a collar.
Since munches are now available on most devices you own, they're much more accessible to attend. Those with social anxiety only need to log into a chat - and they don't need to worry about gaining the mental energy to go to a foreign restaurant to meet a random group of people. Those who have difficulty traveling have found an entire world of local kinksters at their fingertips.
Best yet, these "online" designs allow those with concerns to get comfortable with people from the privacy of their own home. When in-person munches start happening again, these same, shy people will be more comfortable seeing those familiar faces in person.
Online munches really have made "munches" more accessible to all - even if we sometimes have to tolerate the awkward silences that happen when someone accidentally talks over someone else and the "you first" begins.
Read: 10 Helpful Tips for Hosting a BDSM Munch
Kink Education - Now Available Worldwide
Of course, kink and BDSM groups don't just provide social havens for people. In fact, most kink groups, (alongside sex-positive retailers,) are the local resource for BDSM education too. While learning your kink from articles (like here on Kinkly!) or online videos can be a great start, there are various, high-risk kinks where online learning just isn't the best way to learn.
Plus, some people just learn better with hands-on classes - especially when there's somebody nearby to provide instant feedback and corrections to ensure the techniques are learned properly. You can definitely DIY your own flogger lessons and eventually end up with a good technique, but you can shortcut hours of incorrect (and potentially dangerous) methods if you have someone standing next to you to point out ways to do things better.
To that end, pre-pandemic, both sex toy retailers and kink communities offered adult sex education - and kink education. There are very few places in the world where you can drop-in and expect to find someone knowledgeable and open enough to discuss kink and sex with you, but sex toy stores and kink groups happen to be a few of them.
When in-person meet-ups and classes weren't viable anymore, many sex toy retailers with physical stores pivoted to online education. Like kink groups, some of those retailers found that online versions of their in-person events just made sense. Lion's Den Alicia Dunlap, shared the evolution of their online events:
For the next two parties, [following ladies' night] we decided to change up our themes; we tried a couple’s night and a men’s night. Again, we had a great response and turn out for both, but we quickly realized after the men’s night, that most attendees were more interested in the educational parts of our program.
For the next event, we started including a segment at the end of the program from a certified sexual health educator; to tie together everything we just learned about. Our first guest educator was Jessica Drake with Wicked Sensual Care, we’ve also partnered with Ducky Doolittle and Sunny Megatron.
Since we began these, our purpose has shifted from just product education, to addressing a wider range of relationship and sexual health and wellness topics. We’re so excited to partner with Kinkly for our first full educational webinar."
It isn't just retailers who are trying to keep the spirit of educational kink alive, though. Small, independent kink groups quickly followed suit. Those same video conferencing platforms became the new home of educational lectures too.