Having a gang bang, or group sex, is a fairly standard fantasy. The idea of one person having sex with multiple people at the same time or one after another (consensually, of course) is basically the answer to the "one is fun, but two (or more) is better" scenario. In heteronormative speak, it translates to a vagina-haver being penetrated by multiple penis-havers. In a reverse gang bang, a penis-haver has sex with various vagina-havers. While a gang bang indicates penetration is involved, you don't need penises to experience it. A group of people wearing strap-ons will also work just fine. A gang bang differs from an orgy, where one person is usually the center spoke from which other participants radiate.
All the logistics and (literal) moving parts can make group sex daunting. But it doesn't have to be.
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In fact, a 2014 study, conducted by researchers at the University of Montreal, found that 28.3% of women surveyed fantasized about sex with “more than three people, all men.”
In a 2014 study, conducted by researchers at the University of Montreal, found that 28.3% of women surveyed fantasized about sex with more than three people, all men.
But there's a big difference between having a gang bang fantasy and actually organizing and executing one. It may sound like pure carnal chaos – and it can be. There’s a lot of legwork that goes into pulling off a threesome, foursome or moresome, and no official playbook for us sexual outliers who may want something that strays from the societal norm.
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“If someone has never lead a gangbang fantasy before, usually a senior, mature member of the Kink community is hired to coach and supervise the first few to train you in safe practices,” says licensed LMFT Katie Ziskind.
Despite the cultural stigmas against pleasure, much less the oh-so-taboo concept of a gang bang, such activities can be a great addition to your sexual exploration. If you want to host an amateur gang bang, here are a few things to consider.
Read: Group Sex Etiquette 101
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Be sure to consider the gender ratio, for sure, but also the sexual preferences of your guests. Too many men can throw off the heteronormative folks; opt for friends who identify as heteroflexible if possible. Typically, the more women in the mix, the more the group gets down. It’s all about bringing the right people together. Before your event, it’s important to set some ground rules and make sure everyone is on the same page. One way is to familiarize yourself with the rules posted at sex clubs and adapt them to your event’s needs. Some things to consider include conduct, outfits, drug and/or alcohol use, safer sex protocols and tips on communication. Ziskind suggests when practicing BDSM or any sexual fantasy, to have all parties involved sign a typed contract. “This contract will list the details of the event that will be taking place, what is OK and not OK, areas that are allowed to be touched, what everyone will wear, how long it will take place, the rules such as dominant and submissive each party will have, etc.,” says Ziskind. “Essentially, this document protects everyone, because everyone is on the same page at the beginning.”
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Beyond the group dynamic, individuals may want to think about personal rules and boundaries. Rules and boundaries will help ensure a sense of safety for all people involved. It’s critical to manage expectations going into any group sex situation. Don’t expect a porn scene. More importantly, it’s OK if nothing happens. Sometimes, even the most carefully laid plans get derailed by stage fright. It’s OK. If you’re partnered, be sure boundaries are crystal clear and communicated before anyone gets naked. Keeping an open mind in a group sex scenario is imperative. It's likely you'll be interacting in a highly intimate way with people of various genders, sexual orientations and preferences. Respect is an absolute must. If you don’t think you can handle a wide variety of people and forms of pleasure, give your participation a serious second thought. That said, being receptive to new people and ideas can teach you something new about your sexuality.
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Consent is essential. You may know your partner(s) every quirk and behavior, but it’s absolutely imperative to get an enthusiastic, verbal “yes” when engaged in any activity that involves sex or touch. Nobody is a mind reader, and a lot can get lost in translation. Especially if guests plan to imbibe, it’s super important that all sex acts are discussed and agreed upon, either in advance, and/or in the moment. STIs are on the rise. Hopefully, this will inspire you to make smart decisions about safer sex. There should be conversations in advance about how protection will be handled, including verifying current STI status and using condoms and dental dams for play. It’s always a good idea to keep lube on hand, but keep in mind that most massage oils and oil-based lubes will compromise the quality of latex and silicone lube doesn’t always add to the longevity of your fav sex toy. Also, be sure to bring your preferred method of birth control.
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I cannot reiterate this enough: communication is so, so important - and so damn sexy, especially at a sex party. Whether it's asking to touch or to perform a specific sex act on someone, permission must be given. Jealous feelings may also bubble up in the moment. The best way to stay in the moment is to speak up if something feels off. It may not be a deal breaker, but merely acknowledging those feelings may help you experience pleasure. Group sex and gang bangs can be wonky, especially for first-timers, but if you recognize that you and your partner both have similar intentions, it can be a relationship builder. As with any big sexual first or adventure, it’s important to process the post-play feelings and emotions. Give yourself time to exhale and come down from the almighty adrenaline high, then think about the experience in a more subjective manner. What did you like? Not like? What would you want to explore more? If you’re coupled, this can be an excellent opportunity to talk with your partner about any feelings that may have come up during the gang bang. Most importantly? Have fun, be safe, communicate and practice consent. The prospect of having a gang bang may be daunting, especially due to all the logistics and (literal) moving parts. But, like most sex acts, group sex can be a thrilling experience with proper planning and safety measures in place. So, go on. Get all the (repeated) pleasure. I'm right behind you.
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Ryn Pfeuffer
Ryn Pfeuffer is a versatile print and digital writer specializing in sex, lifestyle, and relationship topics. She got her start in the mid-90s at the Philadelphia Weekly, managing a 10-page section of the newspaper and more than 500 lonely hearts.Her professional stock skyrocketed when she started writing a saucy (and pre-Carrie-Bradshaw-era) dating advice column called “Ask Me Anything.” She appeared regularly on local radio stations and late-night TV as an expert on everything from grooming habits to threesomes.Over the past two decades, her work has appeared in more than 100 media outlets including Marie Claire, Playboy, Refinery29, The Globe and Mail, The Washington Post, WIRED, and Thrillist. She adopted a pseudonym and was AVN’s (Adult Video Network) first female porn reviewer – while penning children’s books at the same time.More recently, she is the author of 101 Ways to Rock Online Dating (2019). She lives in Seattle with her rescue dog, Mimi. You can find her on Twitter @rynpfeuffer or IG @ryn_says
