How to Be There for Survivors of Sexual Trauma

People who have been sexually abused all handle their trauma differently. Some choose not to discuss it while people, like myself, do so somewhat openly. All paths to healing are unique to the individual.

It can be hard for partners, friends, and family members to know how to respond when survivors talk about their experiences. The topic of rape understandably tends to make people uncomfortable. Most say something like, “I’m sorry that happened to you.” There are those, however, who get defensive or treat the subject as a burden.

“Why do rape victims want to talk about it if the experience was so traumatic for them?”

“That happened to you YEARS ago. You need to get over it.”

“We’ve all had bad experiences. Seems like you’re just complaining for attention.”

Being met with those kinds of reactions is incredibly tough for survivors. When you’re doing everything you can to recover, you can’t keep people around who minimize trauma or claim it’s a choice to be upset by it.

If someone you care about has been sexually abused, here are some dos and don’ts for how you can support them.

DO: Try to understand why they might want to talk about it.

It may be tempting to assume survivors bring up their trauma for sympathy or social capital. The truth, however, is that victims of sexual abuse are often met with skepticism and hostility for speaking up.

Your loved one may want to talk about their traumatic experience for any number of reasons, like these:

• For survivors, talking about their trauma is often necessary to process and heal from it.

• They may wish to spread awareness about the realities of sexual abuse and the fact that it’s so common.

• They may want to open up in order to help you understand them on a deeper level.

• They may be wondering about your views on sexual abuse in order to assure themselves that you’re ‘safe’.

Understanding will help you get a sense of how you can be supportive. You don’t have to give advice or play therapist. In fact, doing so isn’t advisable and should be left to a professional. Just by listening and holding space for them to speak, you’ll be doing them a great service.

Read: Reacting to Rape: How to Support the Survivor in Your Life

DO: Read about PTSD.

Sexual abuse is one of the most common causes of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I thought I knew what PTSD was until I was diagnosed with it. It’s not just a matter of being haunted by a memory we can’t forget. The condition can end up impacting one’s entire world view, behavioral patterns, and emotional coping mechanisms. You may notice the following:

• Trust issues: We tend to be skeptical of new people and may need more time than usual to trust them. To do so can feel like a great risk.

• Hyper-vigilance: We often go to great lengths to ensure nothing bad happens in the future, constantly on the lookout for red flags.

• Trouble sleeping: We may sleep too much, too little, have trouble falling asleep, or have frequent nightmares.

• Anxiety: People with PTSD are often on edge, fearing something terrible could happen anytime.

• Memory problems: In cases of long-term, chronic PTSD, our attention is wired toward avoiding danger, which can make it more difficult to solidify neutral or positive memories. At the same time, we may block out details or entire chunks of time related to the traumatic experience itself.

• Emotional distress: People with PTSD may be triggered into intense feelings of sadness, anger, or fear by sights, sounds, ideas, or feelings related to their trauma. This can include panic attacks, flashbacks, and instances of dissociation.

• Self-blame: We may blame ourselves for the choices of others in an attempt to feel a sense of control.

• Negative worldview: We may view certain types of people or humanity in general as inherently evil, selfish, or untrustworthy.

• Difficulty concentrating: PTSD sufferers often have intrusive thoughts related to the trauma they’ve experienced, resulting in a short attention span or general feeling of ‘brain fog’.

If your loved one suffers from PTSD, knowing their triggers will help you both keep the vibe light and positive. Some triggers are obvious. For example, many victims of abuse or assault will avoid the area where their trauma occurred.

Other triggers may be subtle and harder to understand. One of my triggers is surfing, which was my rapist’s main hobby. When the topic comes up, I think of him and the event every time. Consequently, I prefer not to talk or think about surfing and I certainly never want to try it. This reaction would undoubtedly seem strange to outsiders, but it’s ingrained in my brain all the same.

It’s important to note that people with PTSD can’t just “snap out of it” and control their symptoms. If it were that easy, we’d go right ahead and do it. PTSD is a serious condition and a constant struggle for some, not a joke or a choice. It can be treatable with time, interpersonal support, and professional help, but is not likely to magically disappear.

Read: What to Do When You're Triggered During Sex

DO: Provide reassurance.

Survivors of sexual trauma often undergo stress while forming new relationships. We may even have doubts about the people in our lives long after trust has solidified in their minds. This isn’t necessarily a sign that you’ve done anything wrong, so don’t take this personally. There are things you can do to reassure trauma survivors that you’re trustworthy.