Finding and Caring for a Third in a Threesome: A Unicorn Guide

Threesomes are one of the most common fantasies amongst couples. Whether you have a lifestyle as unconventional as mine as a cuckquean, or you are simply looking to spice up your relationship, there is an etiquette to be adhered to when bringing in a third party.

Because sexuality remains taboo in regular social settings, it can be difficult to uncover the unwritten rules without jumping right in. The main issue with this is, by creating a hands-on, learn-as-you-go experience, the third party is oftentimes left feeling like an experimental pleasure prop (a.k.a.: used).

My responsibility to my sexual partners is to ensure their pleasure is a priority, that they feel safe, heard, and respected. My job as a sex writer is to communicate with you, dear reader, how you can assume the same responsibility for yours.

How to Meet a Unicorn

Before we delve into the how, let’s discuss the who of the threesome.

As a cuckquean, the people we bring into our relationship are compatible with that fantasy. They usually define themselves as cuckcakes, as they take pleasure in sleeping with my husband with my knowledge and in my presence. We tend to meet these individuals at bars or in sexual atmospheres, like sex clubs or private sex-related events.

Read: Cuckqueans: Myth or Reality?

Threesomes, however, are not exclusive to the cuckquean fantasy, and can differ greatly in logistics. In today’s world, there are a myriad of ways to find a threesome. This third person is oftentimes known as a unicorn. There are apps such as 3Fun, 3Way, Feeld, 3Somer, or platforms that attract a diverse range of people and kinks, such as FetLife.

Hiring a sex worker to fulfill this fantasy is a viable option. In many places there are laws that govern sex work and you may have to consider your feelings about this. For some people, it may feel like the only option, and that’s okay. Having a professional navigate this new territory with you can be quite reassuring, even liberating. Just remember, whether your unicorn is a pro or not, they should receive the same courtesy, respect, and empathy as your primary partner.

What Are You Looking for as a Couple?

It’s important for the couple to talk about what type of person they’d like to have the threesome with and what they want exactly. This will help determine which desires each of you are looking to fulfill, and the compatibilities you seek in a third. Some great questions you and your partner should ask yourselves/each other are:

• What is so appealing about finding a unicorn?
• What specific things would you love to see/do with a third involved?
• How do you see the experience unfolding?
• What things are completely off limits?

Communicating with the Third

In the wise words of Emily Morse, “communication is lubrication.” What that means is, the more you communicate with your third about sex, the smoother (and better) the experience will be. Why? Because it eliminates incompatible partners and guesswork with those you do pursue a sexual relationship with.

Here is a simple guide on when and how to communicate with your third, keeping in mind that every party’s voice should be heard.

Read: A Polyamory Toolkit: 5 Tips for Managing Your Relationships

Before the Threesome

• Determining likes and limits

Get to know what your unicorn likes, as well as their limits. Ask about physical abilities and triggers, and share yours. Practice active listening by acknowledging these things verbally. Ensure you have a shared definition of what each person means when they say things like "threesome" or "kinky" or "cuckqueen fantasy." Knowing what each party is looking for will help navigate the process and keep you from awkward sexual encounters with those whom you don’t jive with.

If you’ve hired a sex worker, ask them their process, and what their expectations are of you (yes, including payment!). Share any expectations you may have and allow them to express their feelings on those. Remember they are offering their time and body, so maintain professionalism and respect.

• Safety and Protection

It's always important to speak about safety, emotional and physical.

Come up with a “check-in” system that ensures enthusiastic consent throughout the experience. Many sexual health advisers suggest the “stoplight system” as an easy form of communication during sexual experiences. Green means everything is fine and it’s safe to continue; yellow could mean slow down, be cautious, or perhaps it’s time to switch things up; red is a hard stop. This requires tailoring to best suit your situation. If your third is a sex worker, they may have a preferred system - let them share it with you.

I also suggest choosing a word that can be used to indicate the need for a break. My husband and I use the word “Niagara,” as it is clearly distinguishable between intimate sounds and expressions. If verbal communication is going to be impeded (with a gag or during oral sex, for example) a safe signal - a gesture that is tough to miss, like dropping some coins or a set of keys, is a good idea to have in place.