7 Women Share How They Dropped Sexual Shame

Sexual shame. Chances are, you're carrying - or have carried - some, especially if you identify as a woman. Sadly, it's just part of the culture, one that often tells us that sex - or even just sexual thoughts, feelings and desires (toys!) - are dirty, bad or wrong.

The good news is, while sexual shame may not be our fault, we also have a choice about whether we decide to hold onto it, or let it go. For many that not only takes time, but also a daily, conscientious decision to think and feel differently about a part of ourselves society tells us to hide. But doing so isn't just liberating - it's also a lot more fun.

We talked to seven women who told us about the shame they felt and how they left behind.

Read: 10 Ways Sex Toys Can Help You Drop Guilt and Sexual Shame

I Shed My Religious Upbringing and Found Others Like Me

Before I got into the adult industry, I had so much internalized shame surrounding sexuality, my body, and pleasure ... I grew up with a healthy sexuality and raging hormones - all normal for a pubescent girl - but was never encouraged to allow for those feelings. As time went on, I quickly realized I had sexual feelings and attraction to folks of many genders, and I thought something was wrong with me.

Pansexual, kink, polyam, and BDSM were all terms I thought were reserved for “deviants”, but as soon as I saw porn and then got into the industry myself, I felt reassured as my desires were “normalized”. I found people like me. I feel safe exploring my sexuality in a controlled environment where my partners are tested and are capable of communicating boundaries. It didn’t happen overnight, but over time in this environment, I’ve learned to let go of the shame that was once ingrained in me and embrace my sexuality.

-Jessica Drake

I Started a Sex Ed Website

I had great parents, but a pretty sex-negative upbringing. You didn’t ask about sex, you didn’t talk about it and the strong assumption was that you wouldn’t do it either, maybe ever. I got some spotty sex ed in school, but I got most of the “good stuff” online. At the time, there wasn’t the wealth of information we have now. The best sex education actually came from university health websites, many of which were probably dealing with an influx of people just like me, people who had learned next to nothing about sex, their bodies, contraception and pleasure.

I think I really dropped that sense of shame when I co-founded Kinkly.com in 2012. I got the opportunity to connect with all kinds of sex educators and proud, sex-positive people, and learned that shame, while normal, isn't necessary. The best part is, I get to help provide people with the kind of sex education that just didn’t exist when I needed it.

-Tara Struyk, co-founder, editor-in-chief, Kinkly.com

I Lived the “Year of Dick”

I was always kind of surprised I didn’t embrace my sexuality earlier in life since I had such a sex positive mom. The idea of women owning their sexuality on paper made so much sense to me, but when it came to the actual personal act of it, I got lost.

I loved to masturbate, don’t get me wrong, but getting the ability to verbalize my sexual needs in my early 20s was a whole other story. It took a bad relationship with an emotionally abusive ex, who would withhold sex from me when he was angry or to prove a point, told me my vag got, and I quote, “too wet” and other fucked up things, to set myself straight.

When I broke up with him once and for all, I gave myself what I dubbed, “The Year of Dick.” I told myself I was going to have all the sex I wanted and finally figure out what I liked. No more fake orgasms, no more people pleasing and no more strings attached. Just good ol’ orgasm-having sex. And, honestly, it worked.

-Natalie Wall, host of Awkward Sex and the City

I Starred in “The Vagina Monologues”

I was like most women my age - a middle-aged, working, suburban wife, with three kids, two dogs and a mountain of debt and laundry that never seemed to go down.

Then, when I turned 40, something magical happened. I got an itch. It wasn’t the sexual kind yet - that would come later. It was the kind of itch that compelled me to return to my youthful love of the theater.

I auditioned for a play … “The Vagina Monologues.”

I was chosen for the role titled “The Woman Who Liked to Make Women Happy”, though my cast-mates and I lovingly referred to her as the “moaner” …

I played this role for many productions, moaning in various keys, various tones … As the years went on, I moaned in front of packed theaters.

After my first performance, people asked me how I came to know how all these women orgasmed. I always answered with a wink and the simple answer – “porn.”