19 Things I Learned On My Adult Sex Ed Journey

One day, back when I was newly divorced, I set out on a mission to have a happy, healthy, satisfying sex life. I headed into my local Good Vibrations to pick up a new bottle of the same lube I had been buying since 2002. As I went to pay, the sales associate informed me that this particular lubricant contained parabens and showed me some different options. I discovered a new favorite lube that day and was excited to have learned something as well.

A few weeks later, I went back and picked out a vibrator. This time the sales person explained that because this particular vibrator was porous, I might want to consider covering it with a condom when I used it. I had never heard of using a condom with a sex toy and I wanted to learn more. (You can learn more too, in Put a Condom on It! (Your Sex Toy).)

I started hanging out at Good Vibrations a lot. I realized that in order to fully embrace my new, happy, healthy sex life, I needed education; I knew that my fears of the unknown were holding me back. I also decided to start a website where I would share the things I learned as I learned them, both to keep myself accountable and to offer helpful information to others. I started reading, attending classes, writing and ... experimenting. And so, The Redhead Bedhead was born.

Today I offer you a list of 20 things I have learned in my own personal adult sex ed journey as a writer, an educator and a student. Enjoy!

What’s In My Lube?

Lube was the very first thing I learned about at Good Vibrations, and it is now a topic I talk about regularly. I can give you a run-down of water-based, silicone, hybrid and oil-based lubes, with all their pros and cons. I can tell you my favorite brands and formulas along with detailed explanations for why I love them so much. But the most important (and first) thing I learned, was that there’s some stuff I just don’t want in my lube! Generally, I tell folks to steer clear of parabens, glycerin and propylene glycol.

Never Fear the STI Talk

I know it can be tricky sometimes, but the STI status conversation doesn’t have to be awkward. Thank you Reid Mihalko for the safer sex elevator speech. I use this all the time (in both teaching and dating!) and it is wonderfully effective.

Don’t Play Around With Toy Materials

As surprised as I was when I was advisedto put a condom on a porous toy, it was nothing compared to how I felt when I learned about the potential for toxic materials in sex toys. Now that I know my materials inside and out, I'm a fan of silicone, ABS plastic, glass, steel, ceramic and wood.

Never Settle for Bad Condoms Again

For years, I had always just used the least obtrusive and most convenient condom I could find at CVS but recently, I’ve learned about polyisoprene condoms, polyurethane condoms, FC2 condoms (aka "female condoms") and more. I’ve tried various sizes and shapes and all sorts of options, and so can you. There’s no reason to settle folks - find something you enjoy using.

Use Your Nose

When shopping for a vibrator, test the vibration strength against the tip of your nose - you’ll get a much better idea of how the toy feels than you will when holding it in your hand. (Get more tips in Buying Your First Vibrator.)

Pronouns Matter

I'll be honest, two years ago it didn’t occur to me to ask people which pronoun they prefer to be referenced by. But over the years, as I became more educated and aware, I realized that not asking about pronouns is sort of like not asking someone their name. The pronouns people go by can be extremely important to their identity and sense of self. Finding out whether the person goes by "he," "she," "they" or something else is essential to showing respect for them as a person - in both writing and conversation.

There’s No Such Thing as a "Loose Woman"

I grew up believing that a woman who hasn’t had penetrative sex has a "tight" vagina and that the more times she is penetrated, the looser that vagina becomes. This (untrue and shame-inducing) concept makes the body seem like cheaply-made clothing that can't retain elasticity after being stretched. In truth, our bodies are much more flexible than that. As I learned more about anatomy I came to understand that you cannot, in fact, sex yourself loose.

How to Put a Finger on the Right Toy

To figure out the right toy size for you, think about how many fingers you can accommodate comfortably in the orifice in which you intend to use the toy. When shopping around, you can hold up your fingers to the toy, to compare.

Nothing's Hotter than Saying "Yes" - and Meaning It

Are you one of those people who thinks that pursuing consent throughout an encounter sounds clinical and un-fun? I was too. Then I learned that dirty talk and consent work beautifully together. Because what’s better: a partner who’s not saying no or a partner who’s saying "hell yeah!"?