I have a fantastic sex life. The kind of sex life that most people fantasize about. I’m not one to make New Year’s resolutions, but there’s always room for improvement, right?
In the spirit of being a better lover and partner in 2020, I pulled together 15 things I’d like to do a little differently this year.
I recently found myself in a situation where one of my fantasies serendipitously came true. Usually, I plan such things and pre-negotiate every last detail – from boundaries and expectations to safer sex protocols. In this case, everything fell into place, and all of the things I typically worry about were addressed before anyone got naked.
Everything went swimmingly, and it left me feeling empowered to make more fantasies happen IRL in 2020. It doesn’t have to be have to be a big, overly-planned and hyped production number.
Read: What It Means If You Fantasize During Sex
As someone who practices polyamory and ethical non-monogamy, my life is pretty much ruled by Google Calendar. There isn’t a lot of wiggle room for spontaneity unless there's a last-minute cancellation.
Instead of waiting for a planned date night, I’d like to slide into my partner’s DMs for a quickie. There’s something satisfying about asking for what you want, when you want it, and having the need for sex for the sake of sex fulfilled.
Read: The Best Sex Positions For Quickies
I’m pretty outspoken about what I want in bed and have no problem sharing fantasies or specific requests. If things don’t go as planned, I am comfortable redirecting or stopping sexy time. I’m of the mindset that you can never really over-communicate.
I plan to be even more vocal about my needs in the new year. If I know what I want, I need to ask for it. My partners are incredible human beings, capable of so many things, but none of them are mind readers. I’d like to deepen my connections by communicating my needs more (and being open to theirs, as well).
Read: Sex Communication 101
I masturbate. A lot. But, most of the time, it’s a stress reliever, an orgasmic means to an end, instead of a “just because” event. In 2020, I plan to carve out more intentional time for self-pleasure. Sure, it’s hands down the fastest way to quell my anxiety, but orgasm doesn’t have to be the end goal.
Sometimes, spending leisurely time touching myself is simply enough. Plus, it feels really, really good.
Read: Masturbation Each Day Keeps the Doctor Away
In past years, I’ve kept a Sexcel spreadsheet. It chronicled all of my sexual encounters, from basic time and place details, to how we fucked, and who came and how. It was basically a daily exercise in the name of science. Last year, I refrained from documenting my sexploits, since I had a partner who couldn’t deal with the pressure of me keeping a sexual tally. The first time he asked, “Are you going to document that my dick didn’t work?” I knew my fact-finding mission was over.
I respected that worry (since I’m not a total jerk), but he’s no longer in the scene, and I’m back at long-term doing it data action. There's something kind of empowering and eye-opening about looking at years’ worth of sexual activity.
I know I’m in the minority when I say I really like dating. As an introvert, I feel like I need to put disclaimers all over this claim. I like meeting new people and sleuthing out where the commonalities lie. I also sometimes feel left out when my partners are dating, and I'm not.
I'm at a point in my relationships, where I'm content with all of my dynamics. I’d much rather throw my energy into nurturing the relationships I currently have than actively building new ones. I am open to the possibility of new dynamics – if someone amazing appears in my life, awesome. But I’m OK with not putting a lot of effort into making it happen.
I'm not an entry-level dater. I have a ton of dating and sexual experience. As much as I don’t want to seek partners who tick certain boxes, I also don’t have the capacity to take on people with minimal relationship skills. I have a long, arduous history of taking on "firsts" in my relationships – whether it's being someone's first polyamorous relationship, same-sex experience, or a first foray into kink.
I get that everyone needs to start somewhere, but I'm exhausted from leading people through their firsts. In 2020, I don’t want to take on any projects. If someone has work they need to do, that’s fine. FIND A THERAPIST. I cannot recommend therapy enough. I’m just not inclined to handhold anyone through their growing pains at this time. Figure your shit out, find a secure and stable foundation, then let’s talk.
Despite all the progress that’s been made in LGBTQIA communities, bisexuality, or the “B” in LGBTQIA, is still widely misunderstood. I’m a female-identifying person who dates women, but also dates cis and bisexual men. Imposter syndrome is real, and often, I don't feel queer enough.
I'm tired of worrying about what other people think. My identity is valid, and I'm not going to dilute it out of fear.
So many women worry about being "too tight" or "too loose." The thing is, there’s no “right” amount of vaginal tightness. In 1947, OB/GYN Dr. Arnold Kegel designed a series of exercises to strengthen women’s pelvic floors. The technique? To contract and squeeze the vaginal walls for six to eight seconds (with an empty bladder), then relax the muscles. The idea is to repeat the exercise 10 times, two or three times per day. At the time, it was intended to prevent urinary incontinence and was very effective with more than a 90% success rate.
In 2020, I’d like to work on strengthening my vaginal and pelvic floor. For one, it can enable the elusive vaginal orgasm. It can also give your penis-haver partners stronger orgasms and prevent urinary incontinence.
There are few things hotter than getting off alongside (or within eyeshot) of a partner. Basically, mutual masturbation is a fancy term for touching yourself – or your partner. The great thing about this type of sexual pleasure is that no bodily contact is necessary, thus greatly reducing your risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy. As far as safer sex goes, it’s a gold star winner.
Read: 4 Awesome Reasons to Try Mutual Masturbation
Sex toys provide an added source of stimulation in the bedroom. Like many people with vaginas, I typically need penetration plus clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm (aka, the almighty ‘blended orgasm’). It can take 15 to 20 minutes from the moment I’m first aroused until I actually come. So, if a partner is going down on or fingering me, they’re going to be at it for a while.
For me, introducing sex toys to foreplay is akin to hiring a warm-up band before the headliner goes on. They also make me feel empowered when I’m turned on and not quite able to reach orgasm (and want to – orgasm isn’t always the end goal of sex). It’s super easy for me to get sidelined in my head if I’m taking too long. PSA: you never take “too long.”
If a partner is penetrating me, with a finger, strap-on, or penis, vaginally or anally, I can slip a vibrator between my legs for the additional clitoral stimulation I need to come (especially in penis-in-vagina missionary position – a position I love, but rarely come from alone).
Sex toys are also incredibly helpful for solo sex (or masturbation). Sure, I can reliably get myself off. But sex toys provide so many different kinds of stimulation beyond my fingers.
Like many people, I have a greatest hits reel of go-to positions and techniques that will reliably get me off. Especially with new partners, I need to ditch the de facto playbook and allow for more exploration.
I may have a lot of things figured out, but I need to be open to new discoveries and remind myself that new partners bring different experiences and perspectives to the bedroom. There’s always room to learn more about your body and pleasure.
Need Inspiration? Check Out Kinkly's Sex Position Selector!
Four months away from 47, I’m officially middle-aged. My mother died when I was a teenager, and I've been flying blind on the minutiae of how to be a woman ever since. As I watch my friends enter perimenopause and menopause and all the changes it entails, I should be better educated on the topic of sex and aging.
There’s not a lot of conversation or educational material around the topic, but thankfully, I’m seeing more and more emerge. We should be talking about this stage of life, all stages of life, really. It’s going to happen, and I want to navigate it, armed with as much knowledge as possible. My sexuality is an important part of my identity, and I want to stay curious and experience pleasure for as long as I’m in this world.
There’s something so simple and satisfying about giving and receiving pleasurable touch. Regular massage is part of my self-care routine; I like to give similar touch to my partners. It isn’t always sexual, sometimes it’s massage simply for the sake of feeling good.
That said, one of my favorite scenarios is having a partner come over for a massage. I set up my massage table. They strip down and get horizontal. I pay attention to every detail of their body until neither of us can contain ourselves, and it usually concludes in oral sex or a hand job. Bonus points if it's a penis-haver, and they cum on my tits.
My advice? If it’s consensual and feels good, DO IT.
Want to learn how? Check Out An Online Sensual Massage Course.
I am a total exhibitionist and love taking sexy selfies. I’m really good at sharing them across my social media platforms. With my partners? Not so much. I want to commit more time to engage in sexy banter with partners I don't get to see regularly.
Whether it’s sending a hot text or sexy video, I want to participate more in the breaks in between real-life meetings.
Ryn Pfeuffer is a versatile print and digital writer specializing in sex, lifestyle, and relationship topics. Over the past two decades, her work has appeared in more than 100 media outlets including Marie Claire, Playboy, Refinery29, The Globe and Mail, The Washington Post, WIRED, and Thrillist.
She adopted a pseudonym and was AVN’s (Adult Video Network) first female porn reviewer – while penning children’s books at the same time. More recently, she is the author of 101 Ways to Rock Online Dating (2019). She lives in Seattle with her rescue dog, Mimi. You can find her on Twitter @rynpfeuffer or IG @ryn_says
